1. They long for a lie in. I've had to get up ridiculously early almost every day since I was eleven. It comes from attending a school nine miles away from my house. It has become habit. That, and, the amount of stuff I can achieve in private when I'm up and everyone else is still asleep....
2. Have a photo of their children as a screensaver. Nope. Mine is a picture of the moon.
3. They rush everywhere. "Rushing" gets me there faster and burns more calories. "Rushing" to Boots at lunchtime then "rushing" back to my office means I get to spend the majority of my lunch break sitting down eating my lunch rather than out amongst a thousand suited idiots who lumber around the city centre slower than the average zombie...
4. They know all the words to popular kids TV theme tunes. From the 1980s, yes.
5. They are permanently knackered or 'wired'. Only according to the amount of coffee I've drunk.
6. They always have a pack of wet wipes to be found. Where are the fucking wet wipes???
7. They can function on very little sleep. I was an insomniac many years before I became a parent.
8. Can't leave the house without asking everyone if they've been to the toilet. I make sure I pee before leaving the house. Everyone else who lives here is capable of doing the same if they wish to do so and I make a point of not making a point of it.
9. Always carry a massive bag or multiple bags. Invariably - purse, diary, gadgets, deodorant, body spray, hand cream, hand sanitiser, chewing gum, lip balm, make-up bag, sunglasses, book or magazine, packed lunch, umbrella... no baby/child related shit.
10. Always have tissue in their handbag. My husband would be the first to tell you I rarely have tissue in my handbag. That's why our son almost always has a snotty nose....
11. They know the name of characters from kids TV. From the 80s....
12. They appreciate their own mum more. If anything, I appreciate her less. I'm trying not to fuck my kid up the same way she did me.
13. They go out shopping for the day and only return with stuff for the children. There's no way I'm spending an entire day shopping and not come back with anything for myself.
14. Thinks nothing of sharing stories of difficult births, miscarriages, breast feeding etc. Only if asked.
15. They have a cupboard dedicated to medicines. The 'medicine cabinet' came with the house. I suppose we could have used it for something else but I to tend to find that Preparation H is more useful in the bathroom than anywhere else in the house....
16. Never go anywhere without a phone 'just in case'. Find me someone - anyone - who doesn't take their phone everywhere.
17. Super organised.
18. They don't get queasy at the thought of poo, wee or sick.
19. They buy gallons of milk. Four pints a week. And it usually ends up going off before it has all been used....
20. Always watch TV through catch-up of Sky+ - never live. I prefer to watch live and savour those 'water cooler moments' at work the next day.
21. Go to bed at 9pm every night. The Walking Dead starts at 9pm. Are you fucking joking?
22. They own lots of comfy shoes. I own lots of shoes. Some are comfy. Some are not. Am I supposed to wear high-heeled walking boots when I go hiking?
23. Total inability to watch sad things about children on the telly. If they mean it's a sign you're a mother because you cry at such things... what sort of heartless fucktard doesn't cry at sad things on the telly?
24. Going for comfort over style when choosing what to wear. I'll admit there was a stage when my clothing choices were chiefly based on how easy it was to access my tits. Then a further stage where my choices were chiefly based on whether things fit my fat ass. No longer... but my sense of 'style' isn't necessarily what is dictated to me by 'fashion' and never has been.
25. The kids TV channels are always on when they have visitors. Only if 'the kid' is also present, because I'm not sure 'the visitors' would approve of us putting Hostel on instead....
26. They'd rather get an early night than have a night out when the kids are at a sleepover. Pub?
27. They go to the toilet just to get a few minutes peace. How the hell do they manage to go alone? I get followed by the cat, never mind the kid!
28. They know the words to 'Let it Go'. Thanks to www.azlyrics.com....
29. They have a massive family organiser on the wall. I have a Cat's Protection League calendar - an annual Christmas gift from my mother - and I forget to write forthcoming appointments and events on it all the time.
30. Bigger pants are more comfortable. Not when they disappear up your ass crack.
31. They get drunk quicker on one glass of wine. No, that's because I weigh three stone less than the last time it took me more than one bottle to get pissed....
32. They realise other work colleagues seem so young. This probably says a lot about the organisation I work for but most of the people who behave even more childishly than I do at times are older than me....
33. They can fall asleep anywhere. I wish!
34. Have a strong opinion on schooling and education. I always have done.
35. They cry really easily when watching TV or films. Or the news, or a soap powder advert. I cry at the most ridiculous things sometimes.
36. Social media posts are suddenly all baby pictures. Some. Not all. He was kind of a fugly baby....
37. Always have a box of raisins or snacks in their handbags. This is one of those things that probably makes people think of me as a 'bad mother' - I never have that kind of stuff in my handbag.
38. They swear under their breath. Er.. FUCK OFF. Don't say that word, son. Please don't say that word!
39. Instinctively grab someone's hand when crossing the road - regardless of the age of their company. No... but I do feel like a complete and utter twat standing at a crossing, waiting for the green man when there's no fucking traffic anywhere when I'm alone out of habit....
40. They panic about a late night. *raises eyebrow* seriously? People do that?
41. They are more likely to have seen the newest kids release at the cinema than the latest blockbuster. I saw one film at the cinema last year: Interstellar. If I only get chance to see one per year I'm fucked if it's going to be a fucking kids film!
42. Nappies are always in their handbag. Nappies were rarely in my nappy bag... 'bad mother'....
43. They have 'mum' nights out. I have to say... I don't know what this means? Are they nights out where only mothers are allowed to go? Seriously, I don't get it.
44, They say 'sugar' and 'fudge' instead of swearing. Fuck that shit. Don't say those words either son....
45. They learn to sleep on the edge of the bed because their child is asleep horizontally next to them. I'll concede this one, but it's way funnier than it sounds:
46. Suddenly a people carrier is a good idea. I don't drive. My husband still has the same car he had when we met.
47. Accidentally cut sandwiches into triangles. People who 'accidentally cut' sandwiches ought not to be allowed to use knives/ be out in public. If I do this, it's carefully and deliberately.
48. Jiggling the shopping trolley as if it was a buggy when they're in the supermarket. Maybe it's because I preferred babywearing, but eh??
49. They can spot a high temperature at ten paces. My eyesight isn't that great. I need to hold the thermometer much closer than that to be able to read it properly.
50. They know all the words to irritating pop songs. From the 80s. For example:
Now, for all my cynicism, I know this survey had good intentions behind it. It's about reminding us that it's OK to be fallible, to make mistakes as a mother and that it's not just you. But it doesn't mean giving up who you were - be that swearing, late nights, uncomfortable shoes or your taste in music. There's only one sign I need to know I'm a mum... and that's the small boy sat next to me on the sofa (he finished the crisps ages ago. We're now watching the local news...).
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